*I know very little about script structure and running times and this was not word processed so i don’t know the number of pages it will fit on. I wrote it after i had finished watching how I met your mother and I didn’t bother to check when it will fit in the show’s timeline. I have no rights to these characters and just did this for fun.
INT Mclaren’s EXT Day
Barney is seated away from the booth today, he is waiting impatiently for something nay someone to come in to the bar. He gets up as he sees TED enter the bar. He calls out to him and TED comes to sit across from Barney.
Hey Ted, how has your day been so far?
Well that’s all about to change. For today I will bestow on you the greatest gift from the Brantheon.
First off, who’s to say that my day’s been bad? It’s barely lunch. Second Brantheon means….
I’m glad you asked. In ancient Greece, when the Gods were all in loin cloth and the Godesses were in Bikini cloth there had been a party thrown to welcome a new god into the fold, one who had proved himself worthy. His name was BARNACLES—-
Hullo fellow gods and godesses, I am but a humble greek man and am pleased to be in the presence of such greatness. I will do my very best to please
ZEUS the elder god looked down from his sky throne to reveal a face similar to Marshall’s. He gestured that BARNACLES be brought up to his throne.
BARNACLES walked cautiously as he ascended the golden staircase to meet the elder god.
Your story isn’t going anywhere and I’ve got work
Ted…. come on…. Ok?
BARNACLES was met with the welcoming humiliation of being accepted into the pantheon:
he had to clean up after pegasus for a week
he helped atlas hold up the world for his yearly vacation
and other humiliating frat initiation rituals.
He felt that at last he would be welcome in the world of the gods, they did welcome him into mount olympus. His only request was that bro’s respect other bro’s, which some would say was an early version of article 3 of the bro code.
Time passed and—-
BARNACLES had picked a greek girl to have a demi-god with a year ahead of time as the elder god told him that he had to book the date ahead of time to avoid all the gods being absent from Mt Olympus.
On the day of the conception of the demi god, BARNACLES walked toward the home of the maiden. He knocks at the door to no response, when he opens the back door he finds ZEUS in her front door and HERMES in her back door. He walked back to Mt. Olympus to continue his godship but it was not till late that zeus and hermes returned. He had wanted to confront them when he noticed a fellow god in the corner tearing up, he goes over to console him and pats him on his back
sniffles I’m Okay… uh thanks Barnacles
You’re welcome, what was all that about?
I saw Zeus lie with the would-be mother of my child even after he promised me that no one would do such a thing. He even made me give him a date so that no such thing would happen–
He told me the same and yet he will have another demi-child
You as well, do you think there be others?
Perhaps, If there are we will find them and help them..
Thus the Brantheon was born to ensure that the gods never screwed over bro’s, to maintain the golden rule “Bro’s before ho’s”
Wow… Uh Barney that story was—
— A true story
No, it was ridiculous. I could have found better things to do in that same time. In fact, that’s how long it took me to make my first crappy chair
Ted, look at me. Do you want to spend the rest of your life pursuing meaningless hobbies or meaningless sex? Now I always pick sex cause it is less likely to kill you… directly
Hobbies, Barney all this sex you’ve had in the last few years. What has any of them done for you?
Oh, they did many things for me. High five!
When was the last time you connected with someone else?
Last night! Hey-oh!
You need to take this seriously man. Life isn’t waiting for us and it doesn’t stop for anyone …. ever but Barney chasing life instead of sitting under its shade is what will help you.
Ted,I hear you but you’re not hearing me…. See the point of the story was that we should help out our other bro’s for all our bro’s who helped us in anyway whatsoever.
Does this mean what I think it means?
BARNEY looks at him with his photograph taking smile and nods at TED. They both walk out to the front of Maclaren’s Bar where they see LILY and MARSHALL coming toward them.
Let’s hail a cab before they get here or you’re Indiana Jones
Before or after Shia
A cab stops by on the side of the street and TED and BARNEY get in leaving LILY and MARSHALL confused.
LILY’s evil kinder
INT Mclarens Bar EXT Evening
LILY orders a beer jug as soon as she gets in, MARSHALL comes in after her to sit in their regular booth. He squirms in the chair as if trying to find the right butt to balance consistency, LILY approaches the booth and sits across from him. She chugs the whole jar down as MARSHALL looks on in horror.
Was it that bad?
You saw what they did to us didn’t you?
I did. How was your day at school?
*Awkwardly How’s that new kid Sharon doing?
*Her eyes turn blood red as she says Sharon!!!
EARLIER THAT DAY
INT Classroom EXT Day
LILY gets up from her afternoon nap in time to wake the kids for the next half of the day. As her eyes open, she is shocked at what she finds
*Quietly Why didn’t you go nap nap Sharon?
*Sobbing Someone pulled my hair and woke me up
*Comforting her Don’t worry Ms. Aldrin will punish this bad bad person
LILY gets a napkin to wipe her face and proceeds to wake up all the members of the class.
The class had been boring that day, so LILY decided to play detective like the Mosby Brothers had done back in the day. She started light with the Hokey Pokey as she hoped all the shaking would leave a trace piece of evidence on the floor, this was unsuccessful. Then she made them work on future masterpieces of hand painting, the sticky oil paint could catch a hint or the water in the basin could leave larger objects floating. After these failed attempts, LILY had to stop the games and the activities as the day had come to a close.
The kids seemed to like the class with the lively Ms Aldrin today, all around running and looking at their work and showing approval at their pieces. Sharon was the last in class and LILY told her that she is so sorry to not have found the person who woke her up.
When Sharon left, LILY noticed her lunch box was still in the classroom and took it to give to her parents. She paced quickly down hallways till she met them in the Headmistress’ office.
Looks of unease were exchanged by the room members, all five of them giving each other some kind of signal. LILY establishes eye contact with the Headmistress across from her in the room with the two parents seated in front of the desk with a stenographer.
LILY tries to engage in a telepathic conversation with her headmistress
L: What are they doing here?
H: Why are you holding the kid’s lunch box?
L: They found a gun in robin’s glove box?
H: Haemoglobin and Waltzing Foxtrots?
LILY shakes her head ever so slightly in disgust, breaking the link as she speaks
Lily: What’s wrong here?
Headmistress: You remember Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?
Lily: I do, they’re Sharon’s parents. Huh.. Is Sharon in trouble?
Mr and Mrs. Johnson: Not in the slightest madam.. hrumph
Headmistress: Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Johnson for informing me of this, the school will take the appropriate action to make sure this doesn’t happen again
They take the lunchbox from LILY and walk off upset
The headmistress explains to lily that Sharon had reported to her parents of her teachers hatred of English food. The parents had then packed her a lunch box to shove in the face of her hate and she had seized the box fro Sharon as a result of that. Lily tries to reply to which the Headmistress says:
We appreciate your work her Ms. Aldrin and pending the conclusion of this PTA committee investigation, you are suspended.
— That’s why I’m upset Marshall, that little rat set me up.
We’ll need to exonerate you from that charge. How can they say you hate British food?
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